Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Flaws.


There's a hole in my soul, 
I can't fill it, I can't fill it
There's a hole in my soul, 
Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

'Flaws' - Bastille.


I have a very vivid memory of whinging on a Myspace bulletin (yes I'm really old) about how all of my friends had photos together, and I wasn't in any. I didn't have a single photo of 'me and *insert any name*', all I had were very few photos where I was in the background of a group picture. I was being childish and acting like this was some sort of spiteful action to leave me out, even though I never went along to events they invited me to (thanks, anxiety), and I never invited them to any of my own. I was quite rightly ripped apart by a friend for being such a little cow. I'd like to say things have changed since then, but they really haven't.

Over the last week or so I have felt completely ignored - mainly on Twitter of all places. I have noticed I'm getting less engagement from people and I've wound myself up to the point of thinking I've been muted by them. I've sat wondering what I've done wrong, whether I'm just inherently irritating and whether I'll ever have any proper pals.

Thing is, I know a lot of this is just because I'm generally miserable at the moment. I am very unhappy and just depressed and I focus this in a really unhealthy way - as if it is someone else's fault. As if other people should be at my every beck and call and should exist to make me happy. What an idiot.

I am a dependent person. While I can just about live on my own for the weeks/months that I am home alone, I find myself not really trying to do any of the hard stuff because I know my husband will do it for me. I find friendships hard because I consistently worry that I am bothering people, so I don't contact them first but expect them to run around after me and to reassure me that they still like me. I know it's totally fucked, but it's true.

When I am sad, as I am now, everything becomes focused on other people. Every time they don't reply to a tweet, anytime I get left on read, if they talk to someone else - it all compounds to make me feel worse about myself. This dependency on reassurance and the need to be people's favourite is really odd. I need other people to make me feel like I am alright, in the hopes that I might start believing it and stop crying all the damn time.

I fell in love with and married a man who doesn't work the same way I do. He is consistently calm, doesn't show his emotions much and is rarely unsettled. He might love me but he would be fine if our relationship ended tomorrow. To me, that feels very hurtful. The idea that he doesn't depend on me the way I do him is almost a betrayal. I want to be loved so much that it'd hurt to be without me. And yet, at the same time, I know this is wholly unhealthy. 

I ask too much of people. I upset myself when they can't deliver on promises they never made; on expectations that they never agreed to. I ruin my own chances at actually having fulfilling relationships because I put so much pressure on people who, unlike me, don't have a personality disorder that makes them need to be needed. 

I am trying to work on this bizarre dependency. I am trying to become detached from these relationships that I make so stupidly intense. I have taken some time away from Twitter because what is it bringing me? Seeing people I want to be my ~best friend~ (because I can't control myself when it comes to relationships) interact with others and not me makes me sad. I get so caught up in the lives of virtual strangers that it affects my happiness. That's not normal, is it?!

It is up to me to make myself happy, to work on my depression/BPD, to make life feel fulfilling. Relying on other people to do that for me is unfair to them, and will just disappoint me. I don't want to be someone that others grow to resent because I am clingy and needy. I want to feel secure and happy in my own skin, and in turn be able to offer people so much more from my friendship. It is not someone else's responsibility to make me like that though. It is mine.

It is time for me to recognise that yes, my heart hurts just now and I feel empty. That needs work, and won't go away just because someone says they like me. I am taking time away from social media to do things that make me feel a bit more human: cooking, baking, reading, having hour-long baths, going for walks in the countryside, listening to music, learning Spanish (although Duolingo is gonna get deleted if it keeps taking all my lives away from me) and let's be honest, copious amounts of Sims 3 (and Sims Medieval). See, I'd be a great friend.

Love from people - my husband, my family, my friends - is wonderful, but it is not the answer to my problems. In the same way, people moving on and drifting away from me is not the end of the world. I will survive either way. But I am much more likely to keep the people I love in my life if I stop having such unrealistic expectations of them. They are only human too, and they are doing their best while dealing with their own shit. The last thing they need is to be lumped with mine too.

I am going to learn to fix the hole in my soul by myself and learn to love myself a bit more. If RuPaul is to be believed, that is the only kind of love I really need anyway. 
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2 comments

  1. Beth, you are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. Don't ever forget that. It's weird because twitter for me was and is the way I've made contact with so many people (just like you!!) I'd probably never get the chance to meet in real life, and the majority of those are so supportive, but I too don't hear from the all the time and my mind starts to wander. I never feel "Good enough" to join in with things (I never have!) and always take a back seat. I got caught up in the "why aren't they speaking to me anymore" saga, but honestly, those that care and those that are meant to be in your life will make the effort, anyone else is not worthy of your awesomeness.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Beth
      I completely agree with Katrina.

      We all need friends. And I chat regularly to Katrina but maybe won't get a chance to meet her. But we are still friends because we share a common thread that is illness and disability.

      Real people who care about you will always be there to answer your questions/ meet for a cuppa etc. Others you just don't need.

      Much love. Xx

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