Monday, 6 November 2017

Word Vomit.


My BPD is bad right now. Feel free to ignore.

My skin feels prickly like it's charged with static electricity. I can feel that my pulse is elevated; I've been able to hear it inside my own head for days. I feel very tense - like if I slam my hands down on a table like I want to they will shatter like glass. I pull at my fingers like I'm trying to break them. I dig my nails into the palms of my hand to see how deep I can make the half-moon imprints. I am not well. I hide it.

The thing I struggle the most with is a loss of control. I hate not being able to make my own decisions (even if it takes me a while) and I hate feeling hopeless. Recently that's all I've felt. The situation I am in is so unbearably painful that it feels like my lungs are bruised and that every breath physically hurts. It's on my mind constantly, no matter whether I'm smiling or sulking. I don't forget - at times I ignore but when I am quiet again I can feel this fire of unfairness burning away in my gut and making me want to scream. How can I fight something that has already won? How can I make my voice heard when no one around me wants to listen?

It's been decided. It's happening. I didn't get considered. I got hollow promises that I've heard before and have already watched break. How many times will I hear this line? People can do whatever they want with their own lives and now, apparently, they can do what they want with mine too. I can't complain, I am too damaged and damaging to have an opinion.

Alongside this, a person I thought of as a friend has changed their mind. Contact between us is now minimal and the overwhelming panic I feel about this is troubling. What is wrong with me that means no one ever wants to stay around, that people take an instant dislike to me, that I am never someone's favourite? What is wrong with me that makes me feel like every single ending is a personal attack, that people drifting away or changing their minds or just liking someone else more says that I am flawed and unlovable? What is wrong with me that makes me always feel like I need to be saved?

I feel like I am going backwards. Any progress I have made is crumbling and I am just filled with what I can only describe as hysteria. It's a rising panic that I can feel is about to drown me. I am losing my grip on everything that made me happy. I don't know how to fix anything because you can't force someone to like you. You can't force someone to see things from your perspective. No one wants the needy person who has to be constantly reassured. All I can do is silently scream and scream and scream. But no one is listening.
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3 comments

  1. We are listening, even if some of us are oceans away. Your writing is vivid and heartbreaking - I hope you start feeling better soon, but even if you don't, we're still here, sending love and light.

    (PS, I hope that wasn't creepy coming from a virtual stranger, but as someone who struggles with similar feelings from time to time thanks to my anxiety disorder, this really hits home for me, so it's a risk I'll just have to take.)

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  2. I feel the same way (even on a good day). I don't have any advice or solutions, but I just want to let you know that I feel the same way. I've never had an easy time making friends or building relationships, and I'm not really sure why.

    I try to chalk it up to being 'misunderstood,' and that it's their loss, but it's not always that easy. Here if you want to chat!

    Stay strong xx

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  3. Beth, I really don't know what to say. This is the most heartbreaking piece of writing about how it feels for BPD, it made me cry. I don't know the details of the situation you're in at the moment (nor is it any of my business). And I don't know who your "friend" was, the one who cut you off, but they are no friend at all. I hope you can find someone to speak to and that they can listen carefully, and perhaps offer you some advice on how to feel a little better, or at least deal with some of these feelings you're experiencing. Please know that for what it's worth (as I've only got to know you very recently online) I think you are a very talented, intelligent, kind, and lovely person. I am listening and I would be honoured to be your friend IRL too. With love, Lisa x

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