Saturday, 19 January 2019

A Chatty Update on my Mental Health.

Tonight, I just want to have a chat with you all. No set topics, no fancy photos, and definitely no products to promote. I just want to type and see what happens.

So it's a new year, and while so much has changed, things are still very much the same. Blair is currently working in Côte D'Ivoire so I am home alone, but for the first time in a really long time, the grip of loneliness hasn't (quite) got me... yet. I actually feel the best I have in ages. Apart from a day-long headache (can someone please force me to drink more water), I feel good. I feel stable. I'm not entirely used to feeling like this but it's very welcome.

Last night I was looking over some old blog posts and found this one. There is nothing else on this blog that is quite like that post, and wow does it feel weird to re-read it. I can't believe that's where I was just over a year ago. It doesn't even feel like me. I wish I knew what had changed, I wish I could give tangible steps or advice so that other people who are feeling like that had a strict path to follow - but I just don't know. I really don't know how I've got to the place I am now.

Sometimes it frightens me that I feel good at the moment. I think it's because I know it won't (can't?) last. I know that something will come back and ruin this, that there are battles I will have to fight for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to feel like that again but I know that, in all probability, I will. 

But the one positive thing about my struggle with mental illness is that I've grown into a more resilient person. I have been very low at times, so close to just giving up - but I never did. And look, here I am, 15+ years on in this fight and it's me that is standing tall, me that is currently coming out on top. Sure, I'll probably be pushed down again but I don't think I'll ever again feel like I can't win. And that is huge. 

The clarity of not being under a huge cloud of depression is astounding. I've finally found the things I am truly passionate about, instead of feeling 'meh' about everything. I know it's incredibly early days in 2019, but I've now posted eight blog posts this year - 13% of my total posts for all of 2018, in less than three weeks. I feel so motivated right now: every year I make goals for the next 365 days, but this is the first time I've actually felt like I am capable of achieving them.

My relationship with social media is changing, my relationship with myself is strengthening, and my relationship with the natural world and my 'spiritual' beliefs is developing in a way that is bringing me so much peace and comfort. It's kind of weird how much 2019 really feels like a new beginning for me - I'm sorry I keep harping on about all the changes I've been making but I honestly feel like I've just had a blindfold removed and I'm finally seeing clearly.

I think there may be quite a lot of mental health content on this blog this year, both personal posts and (hopefully) advice, as now that I'm not currently feeling weighed down by it, I want to talk about it. Weird how that works. 

I am really grateful to be in such a positive, optimistic frame of mind - something that really doesn't come naturally to me at all! I have exciting plans for the year ahead, and having things to look forward to is really helping me stay encouraged and cheerful. 

I hope you are all doing well, and that you feel as energised and upbeat as I currently do, but if you don't, please know you can always chat to me if you'd like - you can email me, DM me on Twitter, or just leave a comment here. 

Thank you for letting me ramble! 

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